A story I wrote
First thing I've seen this story, minus some curse words, many places on the
net but I'm here to tell you that I wrote it in 1998 and finished it in '99
- '00 when I got online. There's also a joke at the end that I've modified
for Bikers. Hope you like...
You know today everybody and his mother is a biker, well I'm sorry I do NOT
buy it. I grew up back in the 60s, and 70s, when being a biker meant, except
for your brothers, you didn't give a fuck about anybody or anything! But
today corporate presidents claim to be "Bikers?" Sorry owning a
Harley-Davidson cycle doesn't make you a biker anymore than going to a
garage makes you a car! The name "Biker" had several meanings in those days
depending on who was talking.
A mother would use "Biker" in the following way; "If I ever hear you're with
that "Biker" again you'll find your clothes, in boxes, out on the porch."
To "Respectable citizens" "Biker" was only used in a way like this; "Jesus
Christ those damn bikers and their loud ... music, bikes, and parties,
Amongst brother's "Biker" was a term of respect, undoubtedly because then
you had to pay your dues before anybody, except teenaged girls thought of
you as a "Biker." "Biker" as opposed to bike rider, which was what you
became as soon as you got your Motorcycle License, but a "Biker" doesn't
just fall out of womb it takes time and too many miles before you become a
"Biker" to other Bikers.
And of course with the release of "Easy riders," the movie, "Biker" became
what every high-school boy dreamed of doing at least once, and many
high-school girls dreamed of being raped by. This is where the term
"gang-bang" came from, getting raped by a gang of smelly bikers like the
Hell's Angel's caused many teenaged girls to wet their panties.
"Biker's" have always had their own language including abbreviations, these
were done before the BRB's and LOL's so much a part of computer chat rooms
today. But true Bikers didn't do this to save time it was done to hide the
meanings from the straights so Biker's would wear patches, and talk in terms
AMA - American Motorcycle Association is and always was a bureaucratic
AFFL - Angels Forever Forever Angels.
DFFL - Dope Forever Forever Loaded.
Chopper - Is what Hardcore Bikers rode. The term originally meant; a
Harley/Davidson, or Indian motorcycle, you built or chopped yourself. Every
time a City, or County had an auction Bikers would show up, bid on, and win
used Police motorcycles. They took them home and chopped off the bullshit
like mufflers, big gas tanks, and solo seats then added theIr own touches
like; 2.2 gallon tanks, a buddy seat, and a sissy bar. So called because the
sissy riding behind you doesn't have handle bars to grab onto.
Colors - A Bikers Jacket, usually black leather or sleeveless denim that had
your club patch on the back and other assorted patches all over it. The last
fucking thing anybody ever did was wash colors. That was only done by the
morticians before your funeral that is if you died flying colors?
Patches - Were sewed onto colors to show all the places you'd rode your Bike
to. They were sold, for a few dollars, at concession stands at all "meets"
like; Sturgis, Laconia, and Bike week in Daytona. These were the Major Meets
30 years ago. Of course now, for all the wanna be Bikers new Meets are
constantly appearing but 100 patches from your local BMX-Run doesn't mean
Red Wings - Is a patch worn on a Bikers "colors*" to signify that they
performed cunnilingus on a menstruating women. Or ate some "ripe fruit," in
front of your brothers.
Brown Wings - Is a patch worn to signify that you licked out a woman's
asshole, again in front of brothers, because bikers are hip to "every cat
bragging about its tail."
Outlaw Biker - Means someone who lives without laws.
1%er -- Many years ago, the AMA stated that 99% of motorcyclists are law
abiding people and only 1% is causing trouble. Those riders who felt they
were in that 1% assumed the name One Percenters and started wearing patches
denoting themselves as One Percenters. This was their way to say; Fuck you
to the paper pushers at AMA Washington's headquarters. Riding Bikes ain't
something to be quantified and calculated, except, of course, to Rice Rocket
riders with nothing better to do and being paid dollars, from AMA members
fees than write up really fucking useless shit like; The average biker
drives X-number of miles back and forth to work, 5-days a week. If you think
I'm kidding look up the site. 0% of the dues go into fighting helmet laws so
is it any wonder no outlaws are AMA members?
In the Wind - Means riding a bike, what Bikers do best.
Bugs in your Teeth - Is what Bikers, before helmets and face plates, had to
pick out of there. Even doing the speed limit on a town street, 30 MPH, is
enough to give you a Death-Head grin and of course all the local insects
make a B-line for places warm and wet like mouths. Now I've heard some
stories about chicks who weren't wearing panties.
Well, today Corporate CEO's are so-called bikers but let's take a look back
at what Bikers once were. Of course the main job a real Biker did was
Mechanical, learned NOT in some half-assed Trade School but by working on
his own "Chopper." Knowing how to work with your hands almost guaranteed you
a job at a Harley Dealer or garage, in your free time. Because doing time in
jails and prisons was an almost Mandatory part of being a Biker, for crimes
from speeding tickets all the way up to murder.
Of course H/D mechanic wasn't the only job Bikers held, some also did other
shit like; Tattoo artists, plumbers, roofers, bartenders/bouncers, movers,
and taxi/truck drivers. If you notice anything about the jobs take note of
this; all these jobs require skill and they're also the kind of thing that
your tips go in your pocket NOT to be declared as income. That's tips from a
beer or joint to dollars whatever. Bikers didn't give a fuck about laws
that's where the term; "Outlaw Biker" came from being without laws.
According to Bob Dylan, in Absolutely Sweet Marie; "To live outside the law
you must be honest."
It was only if you lived long enough, and fought your way to the top, that
you might be lucky enough to be President of your club and then delegate
jobs to your minions. But that's a long tough road getting there; reserved
for only "The Chosen Few!"
Being a "Biker" is a life-style thing more than anything else; the cycle is
merely an accoutrement. So there are many "Bikers" in VA hospitals due to
wounds suffered in various American foreign wars. The fact that they are
riding wheelchairs now does NOT make them any less a biker because you know
that as soon as the operations are successful they will be back "In the
And again Bikers are NOT born, although there are patches and T-shirts that
say this but sarcasm is very hard to read in the printed word, the decision
to become a Biker is usually reached after getting sick of all the bullshit
in everyday life. Typically this happens after the service for many men or
after a corporate job or two when you realize that the world is full of
So you'll have to excuse me if when I hear somebody called a Biker my eyes
don't roll to the back of my head. Because in a world full of wanna bees
where a kid gets a HD cycle as part of a divorce settlement and immediately
is a "Biker?" Fuck no, it takes a lot more than that to be a "Biker" like; I
want to see some road rash under those $450 Harley Davidson leather pants.
And just because you buy T-shirts, Leather Jackets, pants, and belts at
www.easyriders.com makes you a trendy little pansy ass NOT a "Biker."
A woman was drinking in a biker bar. The motley assortment of characters
were buying her boiler makers, and as soon as the bar tender brought one
she'd down it. Finally, after about 15, she stood up and said, "I've got to
The bikers who had been going back and forth to the bathroom were amazed at
her capacity; this was the first time she had to go in the last three hours.
A few of the bikers tried to steady her on the way, thinking she must be
drunk; she smacked the hands away. But on the way to the toilet she turned
and said, "I bet the biggest and baddest of you guys $100 I can piss higher
up a wall then you can."
The bikers all started to laugh at this and looked over at "Big Tom," the
biggest and baddest biker there, who grabbed his wallet and said, "I'll take
They went into the girl's room, the other bikers following. She squatted and
her pee hit the wall at about knee cap level, she said, "Your turn."
Tom and the other bikers were laughing their heads off at her attempt. Big
Tom stepped forward, unzipping his jeans, took matters in hand and was ready
to let the piss fly when she said, "Hey stop I mean 'no hands!'"
Alright y'all I updated my site. I got different music on the Tribute's to
Muddy, Sonny Boy, Wolf, and Lightnin'. I changed the lyrics I've had the
same one's there since... I also got other pics up. So go there and sign the
gawddamn guestbook y'all!