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Date: Sat Mar 27 15:36:01 2004

Yes, you. You sick fucker. On Wednesday morning I emerged from my
girlfriend's building by U.N. Plaza to find that you had sawed the tops
off both the sparkplugs on my motorcycle. At the time, I had no idea why
anyone would do that. Other than the sparkplugs, the bike was untouched.
Some kind of bizarre vandalism? A fraternity prank gone awry? I had no
idea. All I knew is that I looked like a huge douchebag riding the Muni
to work in a padded motorcycle jacket and helmet. Because the bike was
immobilized I got a $35 street sweeping ticket that night. Thursday I
had it towed to the shop ($45) where they replaced the sparkplugs and
the boots ($50 including labor). They explained to me that "people" - I
use the term loosely here - like you break off the tops of spark plugs
and use the porcelain tubes to smoke crack. As an engineer and former
MacGyver fan, in a way I think this is kind of cool. But then I remember
that I just paid $100 for YOUR crackpipes, and I get angry again.

Crackhead, it was really good to have my bike back though. I rode home
from the shop with a couple of spare sparkplugs and a smile on my face.
I figured the next time I parked at my girlfriend's place overnight I
would have to buy some crackpipes and tape them to my bike as a peace offering. Overall, I wasn't that upset. Despite having to ride the bus
for three days and dropping a hundred bones at the shop, I had gained
some fascinating knowledge, a new set of spark plugs, and a pretty funny
anecdote about how fucked up you are, and how our paths once crossed
briefly in the night.

But you couldn't just let sleeping dogs lie, could you Crackhead? You
couldn't just stay in on Friday, watch Letterman through the window of a
home electronics store and then call it a night. You couldn't rest on
your laurels. Two porcelain sparkplug crackpipes just wasn't enough for
you, was it Crackhead? You just had to come back for more. This morning, a scant fifteen hours after I rode it out of the shop, I found my
motorcycle violated once again. This time you only took the right one -
maybe you were having an off night. At least this time I had a spare
sparkplug and the tools to fix it - or so I thought - having ordered a
73-piece toolset from SEARS.com last week. But no, the sparkplug socket in my new toolset was for American sparkplugs. So I had to go down to the neighborhood Ace hardware. They had an 18mm socket that would fit over my sparkplug, but it was for a 1/2" drive ratchet. My toolkit only has 1/4" and 3/8" ratchets. So I had to buy a 1/2" ratchet along with
the socket. Even though the clerk took pity on me and gave me the senior
citizen discount (I'm 25) it still cost me $22 all told.

Now, you might say that I should have just gotten a 3/8"-to-1/2" drive
adaptor instead of springing for the whole ratchet. And to that I say
"Shut the hell up, Crackhead, I'm not finished. And besides, I was
eventually going to buy a 1/2" ratchet anyway so it's probably not worth
it to take it back now."OK, now I'm rambling. But the point is,
Crackhead, that you have done me wrong. Now, I get that you love crack.
That is totally understandable. I've heard it is really fun, at first,
and quite addictive. What I don't understand is...

YOU ARE A CRACKHEAD. WHY DON'T YOU OWN A CRACKPIPE?!

I am an engineer. Do you ever see me shaking down bums in the Loin for a calculator and sliderule? No, you don't. Because engineering is the main thing I do, I went and bought myself a calculator. The main thing you do is crack. How do you get by without a crackpipe? The other crackheads must clown on you non-stop. I mean, the fucking saw you used to saw off my sparkplugs is probably worth five or ten bucks. Why not sell or trade it for a crackpipe? You really haven't put much thought into this, have you? Please, Crackhead, please don't tell me you sold your crackpipe to buy crack. Even a stupid crackhead such as yourself couldn't possibly be that stupid. I've decided that taping crackpipes to my motorcycle would be tantamount to appeasement.

You have crossed a line, Crackhead - specifically California Street. You
have come onto my own street and you have desecrated that which I hold
dear. You have stolen from me, and you have caused me to spend the last half hour writing this post instead of engineering shit, and it is
conceivable, if not likely, that my boss could find out about this and
fire me. I am hella pissed at you dude.

Here are my options as I see them:

1. Write a note saying that I have coated both of my sparkplugs in rat
poison and tape it to my bike at night. You can thank Tim for that one,
it was his idea.

2. Don't write a note, but just coat both sparkplugs in rat poison. This
is probably closer to a punishment that would fit your despicable crime.
I'm sure this is super illegal and SHIT, but it's not like anyone is
going to miss you, Crackhead. Don't fool yourself.

3. Wait in an alley near my bike armed with my new stainless steel
mirror-finish Ace Professional brand 1/2" drive socket wrench, my 18mm
sparkplug socket, and my searing rage. It's pretty heavy and well
balanced. I am not a large man, but I am angry.

In conclusion, Crackhead, why don't you just do both of us a favor and
buy yourself a crackpipe? It will both enhance your crack smoking
experience and save me a lot of time and felony assault charges. Think
about it.

Sincerely,
Matt

*** If you are not the Crackhead that took my sparkplugs, please
disregard this posting ***

 

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