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Aching EverBreaking Heart
a mothers day lament
by Mizblooze56
may 11 2006

There's a woman out there
who I met just once
19 years ago
who has someone in
her life
i only knew briefly
 he is a young man now as
i reach my lifes halfway mark
he is
somewhere out there
i only know him by name and memories
of an infant:
 blue-eyed and cupid lipped.
my son, Jesse Aaron.
You call HER Mother:
she has years of 
typical predicatble
scriblings on now faded color paper;
which hung on the front of her fridge
pictures in neat frames
on their walls
perhaps above a fireplace
of an infant
toddler
adolescent now a young man that
i carryied inside a very
deep intimate place
for 40 weeks. I have pictures of you
nursing at 4 days old- you,
who entered this crazy sweet sad
world to the sounds of
"its a boy!"
and Vivaldi's "Spring"
in the background.
She'll never know the bond
we formed from the second i knew
a life was growing in that deep place
til the moment she reached for my
onesie clad son,
declaring his toothless smile
to be wonderful.
and in that short but tearing moment
i knew you would be never erased from my
aching heart
mind
body-
She'll never feel my constant
 phantom movement of you inside;
of the moment i felt
that flutter of a first movement
when i am thinking of you
crying for the sound of a big v-twin
pulling up outside my window
and the uttered words of
"hello, mother, i'm home."
i talk to the air/you/the wind
constantly
knowing a war is raging
thousands of miles away
not knowing which sand you walk on
begging the forces of mother earth-and I
pleading
to keep youive
wherever you walk
pleading for a glimpse
of those blue eyes
i still long to recount
10 toes
ten fingers
i still desire that knock on
my door
with each breath i take in and out
i want to touch you,
that sweet cheek i'd nuzzle against
fuzzy as a peach
the scent of powder
in my nostrils
 you and i in the rocking chair
deep into the night
exhausted me and you
watching the sunrise with
you breathing quietly
deep in sleep
on my lap
this "mother"
will never know the longing
in my soul
in my entire being
as i lay in the dark
atttempting to replicate
those quick shallow
breaths i recall
as if it were only a few moents earlier.
she gets the flowers
cards
rose bushes
she has had marks on the kitchen doorframe
of this now young man
as he grew tall and strong
like his father
like his grandfather
like a sturdy oak
i get heartache nothing can erase
i cry til i can no longer continue
for moments they shared
i was robbed of.
i speak to the air
saying
come home son
come home
mommys waiting-
i no longer turn my head at the sound of a roaring
bike on the highway to see
apehangers
chrome
flames
i turn my head hoping
i'd see those blue eyes
cupid lips
dark brown hair
peaking out from under a helmet
a chip off the old block
but irreplacable
individual
Jesse
now 20 years old.
come home son
come home
my porch light
deep inside will never
be shut off.
crawl
toddle
and walk
back inside
where you were
carryed away from
that hot august day
and allow me to claim
the biggest gift
a woman will ever recieve.
i still cry at baby commercials on the tv
i still stare at young boys
wondering if its you
i still wake every two hours reaching out
to clutch your eagerhungrymouth
to my breast
my biggest disapoitnment
has been for 19 and a half years
theres no crib
a wet diaper
you, wailing as if
mother would never come;
i've always been here.
She will never recall your first
shakey cry in that room
that brightly light room
as you emerged gallantly
bravely
from that deep intimate place we shared
for 40 weeks,
selfishly
i long for 40 more years
watching you walk bravely tall
dignified
till i rest in a dark place
you there to see me off
on my journey
off to the unknown
our spirits one
our names one
as you reach for my soft fingers
as i quietly happilly satiated
leave this sweet sad world;
knowing you are there
will send me off in peace.
i can not find a sliver of it
not knowing where you are
what your voice sounds like
if you have your father's dark hair
or my blue eyes
i can find no peace in your absence;
ever.
come home son
come home
even if for one brief moment
to say something predicatble
simple
like
"i met someone i
think you'd like."
come home.
i won't rest easy
until you do.
She may have raised you-
it was i who pushed
and pushed
til i heard you cry out:
i'm here mother
i'm here.
be home soon?
the light inside me
will never burn out.

 

 

 

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